Mixed Feelings

Christmas this year has brought a lot of mixed feelings for me. I have always loved Christmas - the trees, lights, wrapping paper. I have always looked forward to Christmas morning with the kids and seeing their excited faces when they see what Santa has brought for them. A lot of this I got from my mother. She always made the holidays a magic time and I admit since she has passed, I have been a bit of a Scrooge.

I do find that I love to shop for people and try to find them that one special gift that will bring a smile to their face. I see the Santa collection that my mom helped me collect over the years and it brings back memories of her. For Grandma Hazel teaching me how to put lights on the tree so not one cord shows and it sparkles like the Chrysler building. Each ornament with it's own story, most with a date listed on the bottom in mom's handwriting, and the tradition of Edward the Elf, keeping the kids in line by telling them he reports back to Santa on a regular basis.

My mixed feelings are only a few. I feel badly that my boys feel a bit entitled at such a young age. They ask for big, expensive things like Nintendo DS's, motor scooters and such. Obviously, I want to please, but it is sometimes hard to justify some of their requests. I also am feeling so badly for Tony. This will be his first Christmas without his dad, and my 3rd with my mom. He is really struggling with all of this, and I don't think he really wants to deal with the festivities at this point. I seem to find that I need to get out and try to find some enjoyment or I might be swallowed up by despair if I let it come around.

So, this season, I hope to find some peace with all of the turmoil. To be able to tuck my kids in on Christmas Eve and trust they will be happy come the morning no matter what Santa brings them. To know that the pain of losing Angelo will get easier as time goes by, but right now it is a fresh wound for Tony - one that with holidays feels like we are all pooring salt into because we are trying to deal with things in our own way. My boys do not understand his passing, so I just answer questions when they have them and try to stay positive for all of them.

We did get a family photo on the day of the funeral, but I just could not put this on our Christmas cards. I did not feel that it would be appropriate to send that photo out, knowing why we were all dressed up and had someone else to snap a photo for us. So when you get our cards this year, the photo you see here is not the one I used. The picture of the sky was what it looked like the night I left to go to the viewing for my father-in-law. I really feel he was all around, like his name entails, Arcangelo (arch angel).

Don't worry, I am going to enjoy the holidays because this is really "the most wonderful time of the year". I just hope I can handle my boys for the two weeks that they have off of school.